My intention was to get all of my photos up on the 'Providence KenyaTeam' Facebook page. While I did get most of them, there are still about 200 lingering on my computer that I have just been kicking my feet about. After sifting through so many photographs in the few days when we first returned from Africa, I about had it looking at pictures!! Soooo...my goal is to finish them THIS week and post the rest of the favorites throughout this blog, and onto the FB page. So my apologies for the delay! Most of them are up though, so feel free to peruse this blog (where my favorites are posted), or spend hours upon hours looking at the large number of Pix posted on the FB page!
I will likely put one more blog post on this page after this; once I actually finish going through all of those remaining photos. Then,..I will officially leave this blog to rest. But first, a few final concluding things:
I think a lot about Stella. I think a lot about the kids I met and played with both at the Veronica Home and In-Step Orphanage. I won't lie, I really miss them. While I miss so many that we met there, the kids really hold a special place in my heart. Part of me is so very happy to be home, and yet the other part feels torn with wanting to also be with them,...though selfishly wishing they were here instead of there. I still struggle with the idea of what I should be doing differently since we've gotten back. As I fall back into the normal, fast-paced routines of our life, it's easy to push aside these thoughts over the details of the 'everyday' that have consumed me over these past few weeks. I know small areas I can change, but somehow, finding the time to do them isn't always easy. Why does life have to move so quickly here? While it's true that I function better at the fast-pace of life here, I do, however, miss the slow-pace of life found in Kitale. With this fast-paced lifestyle come so many anxieties in each day. Anxieties that I wish didn't exist at all.
This past month has been a challenging month for me. It pushed the edges of my comfort zone into new levels, while also having my spiritual life challenged. To be completely honest, my prayer life has not been as fulfilling as I half expected it might be after a trip like this. I found myself getting so angry at the Lord for allowing me to get sick (for practically the entire time we were in Kenya), I couldn't understand why he would be so obvious in making sure and wanting us to be there,... if that was going to be the outcome. In my mind, I know He is always good, and has a purpose for everything; even when I don't know what it is. But in my heart, I was angry, confused, and even felt a little on the bitter side because of the circumstances. Another thing that was difficult, while also being something I had been praying about for months prior to the trip, was coming home and feeling as if I made life-long friendships and connections with the team we went with. But honestly? I felt as if my being sick and not feeling like myself, or even at my best, made it difficult for me to connect with others. There were a few people that I was definitely closer with, but I can't help but wonder if those relationships will really even cultivate into anything since we've returned. I thought I had no expectations going into this trip, but I found when I got home that it wasn't true, that I in fact had more expectations than I thought. And naturally, expectations always bring disappointments.
I know it may sound like I am doing a lot of complaining, and I probably am. But this is how I felt, and this was why I was struggling with the Lord over this period of time in my life. It's as if my heart was not following what my head really knew; God's truths. Though, I am happy to say that God and I are getting better and growing closer again. He's helping me to understand some things, while revealing things about myself...though sometimes painful. I walk away from this trip with a new pair of eyes, and a heart that breaks for those that break the Lords. I crave to be able to finish school and bring in an income that will allow me to support some of these children that I miss, and I crave to one day maybe even see them again this side of Heaven. I crave life-long christian friendships that can pray for me, with me, and be vulnerable with me...and I know that it won't be in my time, but in God's. I trust that God knows what He is doing, that He is in control, and that He works all things out for good.
As I sit here and ponder all of these things, I am reminded of Laura Story's song, titled Blessings:
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
Beautiful,... and so perfectly speaks to my heart at this time.
