Written Friday:
3 more days…just 3 more days! Boy, these past few months have just flown by! AJ started packing last night…and naturally, I haven’t even started. Of course, it was my goal to be started and done by the end of this week; needless to say that has not happened. So my next goal was to at least start today,…and yup, that didn’t happen either. So my new goal is to start tomorrow! Only time will tell whether that will serve to come true or not!
I did get some things done today though. Like my letters. My ‘what-if’ letters. Knowing my family and friends, they would probably say that I am being a worry-wart. Honestly though, I’m not even all that worried if something were to happen to me. I just want to make sure I cover all of our bases in the event that something does happen to us. Just so a few details are made clear regarding services, bills, our things…etc., followed by a letter to friends & family.
And then I wrote a letter to AJ,... in case something only happened to me; and well that really threw me for a loop. I ended up spending the better part of 2 hours in tears. It actually helped to reveal how little trust and faith I have in the Lord to protect my husband’s life. My life? No problem. My husband’s life? A different story. My fear for his life is so great, it ranks up there on ‘worst fears in the world’, …next to Ants of course (naturally! Which by the way, I am reading that the ants in Kenya are hugemongous!!! Thank you McGyver and your terrible “Ants consume a City” episode for instilling this very odd fear in me!!).
But how do you force yourself to put your trust in the Lord for something like this? I can say that I trust him, tell him I’m giving it over to him, and yet…I don’t really feel it. Maybe it’s like when people say that if you don’t feel beautiful, you look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful over and over until you believe it. Maybe I just need to continue to give it over to the Lord, to say the words that I trust in Him with AJ’s life, over and over again…until I believe it. I really don’t know what the answer is, but I know that prayer is effective, so I’m going to put my trust in that and ask that the Lord helps me to trust Him with AJ’s life as well.
Nothing like a little trip across the world to bring these kinds of fears to the surface! Can we say ‘spiritual attack’ anybody?
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